Growing Up with the Troubles:

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In this chapter, I present my personal experience of growing up during the Troubles. In particular I explore the factors that influenced my appraisal of situations as safe or dangerous, and the resulting coping responses adopted to carry on with a ‘normal’ life amidst the the abnormal circumstances of the conflict. As a child, I quickly learned to recognize the surge of activity that accompanied a threatening event; when a parked car symbolized a threat and when it was just a parked car; when a noise outside was just a noise and when it was more sinister. This multi-sensory appraisal enabled a quick and decisive reaction, and minimized the potential for harm. To enable day-to-day life to function, I adopted a series of spatial practices. This unwritten ‘rule book’ provided guidance on how to navigate safely through shared or unfamiliar places. This rule book was initially informed by my parents, and through their guidance I learned to use a variety of spatial tactics to maintain my day-to-day well-being. These included travelling quietly through shared spaces to limit unnecessary attention, sticking to known ‘safe’ routes and staying clear of ‘no-go’ areas, avoiding contact with the security forces in case I got caught in the crossfire, and not engaging in conversations with strangers. The political climate in Northern Ireland provided an all-embracing climate of tension and fear which influenced spatial tactics. As such, the ‘rule book’ was not fixed, and during times of political tension, tactics had to be changed. These rules were not irrational, and I knew this was not a game. The rules were there to keep me safe. My childhood was set in the context of the most intensely violent period of the troubles, and the threats were very ‘real’, with civilians accounting for the largest share of recorded injuries and deaths as a result of the troubles. The Troubles provided many ‘traumatic punctuations’ to normal everyday life. In particular, attacks on my ‘sanctuaries’ (my home, my school, my family) and ‘lucky escapes’ were poignant reminders of the volatility of my situation. At times I felt overwhelmed, and I engaged in a range of coping strategies to keep going. These coping strategies included trying to normalize my environment and distancing myself (sometimes physically and sometimes emotionally) from my surroundings. As I developed into a young adult my assessment of my environment changed and I increasingly started to ‘misread’ encounters as dangerous when they were routine. After twenty-two years of living under the shadow of the conflict, I had had enough. The cumulative emotional and physical impact of living with conflict had depleted my coping resources, and so I joined the many young people of Northern Ireland who contributed to the brain drain of the region as a result of the Troubles. Due to the longevity of the conflict, the Troubles permeated my entire childhood and early adulthood, and residues of this experience still impact my life today. It is only now as an adult with my own child that I can reflect on how my mother must have felt waving her husband and children off each morning and hoping that they would all return home again unharmed. Like a motion picture, these early emotional experiences have proceeded continuously over time continuing to impact my perceptions of self, and home.

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