Self-Love and Flattery in 19th-Century France: Etiquette's Guide to Handling Vain Egos

What is it about?

This paper explores how amour-propre ("self-love") in 19th-century French etiquette books and literature connects to the idea of "face"—a person’s social image or how they want to be seen by others. Unlike other historical terms related to "face," which often refer to the physical face as a metaphor, this study focuses on amour-propre as a concept tied to flattery. The analysis uses a collection of 23 French etiquette books from the 19th century and compares the results with a larger database of French literature from the 18th to 20th centuries (Frantext). Flattery emerges as a central social tool tied to amour-propre, functioning as a way to navigate interpersonal dynamics marked by the susceptibility of self-esteem. Etiquette rules often encouraged flattery to avoid hurting others, as amour-propre was regarded as overly inflated and easily wounded. Like earlier French thinkers, such as Blaise Pascal, etiquette authors of the time largely viewed amour-propre negatively, associating it with vanity, selfishness, and pride. However, despite its condemnation, amour-propre was acknowledged as a social reality that needed to be managed rather than eradicated. Flattery became normalised in French etiquette books because of the perceived susceptibility of amour-propre. It was often considered a necessary and expected behaviour to maintain harmonious relationships. This normalization underscores the degree to which inflated amour-propre was regarded as an inescapable feature of social interaction. In conclusion, the study highlights how deeply entwined concepts of self-love and flattery were in 19th-century French culture. Amour-propre played a significant role in shaping etiquette and social expectations, with flattery emerging as a key strategy for managing interpersonal relationships.

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Photo by Yura Timoshenko on Unsplash

Photo by Yura Timoshenko on Unsplash

Why is it important?

This study is the first to use the concept of self-love to study the sociological key concept of 'face', and it does so by uncovering a historical link between amour-propre (self-love) and flattery, for social interactions in 19th-century France. It highlights how fragile self-image and excessive sensitivity called for flattery as a strategy to maintain social harmony. This historical exploration remains relevant today. Studies into present-day flattery link it to excessive politeness, however, this study shows that 19th-century flattery was considered normal, expected behaviour. To understand the social mechanisms of flattery, we need to gain insights into how it is evaluated in interaction: positive (as harmless self-promotion), negative (as selfish self-promotion), or neutral, as expected, necessary behaviour. Studying flattery is crucial for understanding how language shapes social dynamics, from building connections to navigating power and influence. Flattery, often dismissed as insincere and manipulative, can play a valuable role in building rewarding relationships, from personal contexts to professional and political environments. Understanding flattery helps us explore how people use language to navigate sensitive egos, manage conflicts, and build rapport: how can we distinguish between welcome, appropriate flattery and its manipulative form?